Wat yer ma and pa done

Two days ago, we celebrated our first wedding anniversary:

me: hey

i want a digital frame

1:55 PM Jonathan: hi

me: i want a digital frame

for anniversary

Jonathan: yea!

me: and then i put in pictures

for anniversary

1:56 PM Jonathan: yea!

ok I will order one

Jonathan: I was grasping at straws to figure something suitable

but I like that idea

me: it's for both of us ok?

me: it will be all symbolic and shit

Jonathan: ok

sounds good!

I will research and give you a few choices

On Weight

Hello Successfully Fertilized Eggs,
You may find in your mid- to late-twenties that you are steadily gaining weight despite no noticeable increase in chili fries intake. This is probably due to the fact that you are drinking lots of beer. If you don't believe me, look upon your vegan friends of the same age. Are they rotund in the midsection even though all they eat are sprouts? This is also because they are drinking lots of beer (or they caught one of those belly-ballooning diseases while in rural India with the Peace Corps).

If you find yourself in this predicament, be selective with your beer. Drink stouts and dark microbrews. They will have greater alcohol content and will make you feel full enough to pass on the late night cheeseburger. An efficient beer is a good beer.

A Sign

A lot of people around us are having babies left and right. And my reaction is: "Man, that sucks." This tells me that I'm not ready for you yet.

Things to look forward to

I was just looking at this other blog, and I thought of you guys:









I suppose you can claim that all of the bad parenting to come was premeditated.

Relationship Advice #1

Dear Outcome-of-the-Fastest-Strongest-Sperm ,
Here is a little sub-series of advice for you when you are grown up, out of our house, and engaging in a romantic relationship out of our sight.

Tell your partner what you want.
No one is telepathic, but if your partner is telepathic then they can use a reminder.
Case in point:

4:09 PM
me: [jewelry link] what do you think?
Jonathan: kinda nice...
me: you don't want to buy for me?
Jonathan: heh
too feminine
me: but it's for me
why don't you like necklace
Jonathan: I like it... not great though... very ornate
me: SO YOU WON'T BUY FOR ME
Jonathan: do yooooooo like it?
me: YES
Jonathan: hahahaha
really?
ok
me: YES
HULK WIFE WANT NECKLACE
Jonathan: hahahaha

How Cranky People Are Made

Hi Kiddo,
One of the more frequent things I used to say to your father was, "Well, I didn't pick you for your genes." Meaning, I had forgone my Darwinian instinct to select a mate for reproductive purposes when I started dating your father. Now I'm mildly confronted with the fact that I just may make a sprog with your asthmatic, bum-kneed, bad-backed, lame-thumbed father. Together we will create a near-sighted, short-tempered, anti-social, allergic, asthmatic kid with bad joints - that which is you.
Sorry about that.

On Being Flexible

Hey kiddo(s),

Last week, I was laid off from a cushy job that I quite enjoyed. Here are some other things that were never expected to happen, but happened anyway:

• I never thought I would get married. I always envisioned my future self as a single, cosmopolitan girl living in some city apartment with a cat. Now I have two cats, three dogs, a husband, and live in the suburbs with a big yard.

• Grandpa Sheldon always said he wanted one kid and one dog. Instead, he got four kids (none of whom enjoy football* golf or went to a state college) and a menagerie. The current state of the latter being: three huskies, a little yappy dog, a cranky macaw, a baby cockatiel, and a teenage daughter. (I kid, I kid... the cockatiel is no longer a baby.)

• As you know by now, your philosophy major of a father revels in grey areas and had to think really hard about this topic. His contribution is as follows:

"Well, I never thought I would like broccoli, but now I love it. No, really! I really hated broccoli as a kid. I think I changed my mind because there is a lot of broccoli rab in Philadelphia junk food. There was this delicious cheesesteak place..." (No doubt you've rolled your eyes and tuned him out by now) "...and that is how I came to love broccoli today."

So there you have it. Shit happens; however, one can be flexible and still maintain one's integrity.

*Uncle Mike says he quite enjoys football and would still be playing if not for his bad knee.

A Few Thoughts on Drugs

Believe it or not, I've been too busy this week to internally lecture non-existing progeny. So I'll do a quickie post on drugs:

1) Here's the thing, we don't want you to turn out to be an angry drunkard just because you developed bizarre convictions about what other people do with their spare time. See Fig. 1.

Fig. 1

2) Ask your Grandma Robyn - she was a hippie in art school during the 60's. She can provide you with a myriad of vivid descriptions of various illegal experiences. Hopefully, this will weird you out enough that drugs don't become an issue.

3) If your grades slip and/or you start acting like an ass, I will ship you off to work in the poppy fields of Afghanistan. Britney Spears has sufficiently demonstrated that Hotel Rehab just doesn't work.

On Puberty*

Blech. Man, you are awkward to look at.

Basically, you used to look like this:


Now you look like this:


Eventually, you will look like this:


Since your father won't let me send you off to boarding school until your pimples clear (although I said it will be like Hogwarts), take your gangly limbs to your room and read this book:


What's that you say? You're a boy and don't have your period? Well, go away and read it anyway. We don't allow chauvinism in this family.

*I may need to edit this entry before you learn to read.

On Tattoos

If you are planning on getting a tattoo and you are still financially dependent on us, I expect you to affix the particular design on the particular body part in some temporary manner (Sharpie or henna - I don't care) for at least six months prior to going to a reputable tattoo artist. This is to ensure that you won't immediately regret your decision or die from tetanus. How you may feel about your decision later in life, I can't say. All I know is that I'm not paying for you to laser off "Hooray for Creationism" from your bottom two years later.

Anecdotal evidence:
My friend from high school had an older sister who got a huge female symbol tattooed on her forearm. She later had difficulties in job interviews because she was unable to cover the tattoo completely. After unsuccessfully spending tens of thousands of dollars on laser removal, she finally moved to Hawaii because no one there cared.

So, the moral of this story is: if you love your grandparents, don't tattoo your face.

True tales of occupational horror

When I was a little girl in South Korea, the generic threat to "If you don't do your homework..." was that one would grow up to be the garbage man.  Of course, now I understand that sanitation workers can be paid the upper limit of their salary range, plus government benefits.  Instead, I will regale you with real scary stories of what happened to people we know.

Case #1: This prematurely-aged lady spent her youth in a rock band and not going to school.  The highlight of this career was to open for Sonic Youth, which, I admit, is pretty cool.  But the lack of academic pursuit drove her to become a heroin addict, and now she works at our local Trader Joe's.*

*Don't get me wrong.  Trader Joe's is my favorite place to buy groceries.  But our friend, who was once this lady's roommate, told us that she once ran out into the street, completely naked, and tried to kill her boyfriend with a kitchen knife...  BOO!

Case #2:  A promising young man once received a full college scholarship thanks to his talent at swimming.  But then!  "Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 2" came out for the Playstation (this is a video game) and the fellow dropped out of college.  Having nowhere to go, he was then conned by a job offer into becoming a mortician (he didn't realize that it was an apprenticeship).  Not long afterwards, the man was fired when the funeral home was bought out by a national corporation.  He now works at a cafe with the friend from the footnote to Case #1, who he detests.

Case #3:  There is this fellow who went to join the army instead of going to college.  He was then discharged and became a nighttime taxi driver at the age of 26.  Instead of trying to get his degree, he went to porn theaters and became obssessed with an underage prostitute...  Uh, I must be thinking of something else.

Case #4: This is more of a tale of general neglect than just homework.  Your uncle Ben once left your grandparents' nice Audi on some street in Boston for several months without ever checking up on the car.  When he finally remembered, he searched high and low for the Audi.  At last, he learned that the car was impounded and then crunched into a small, metal square.  To add insult to injury, your grandparents were billed for the car demolition.  And this is why you have a crappy car now.  When you have a lot of money from studying hard, you can buy your own Audi.

Not really advice, just an explanation

"Why?" You may ask, "Why were you not on the National Mall with 2 million other patriots to watch the history-making inauguration of our first African-American president? Especially when you lived just off of Route 395 and only 10 miles shy of the Capitol Building?"

Well, my dear mix of reproductive cells, we decided not to go because it was 10 degrees outside and your mom would like to avoid using Porta-Potties if at all possible. And we hate milling around with a bunch of dumbstruck people, which may explain why I never take you to amusement parks. We had a marvelous time sipping tea in bed, under the warm covers of a Siberian down quilt, and watching the whole thing in perfect clarity on our television. What about Disney World, you ask? Ask your father - maybe he will take you.