A Few Thoughts on Drugs

Believe it or not, I've been too busy this week to internally lecture non-existing progeny. So I'll do a quickie post on drugs:

1) Here's the thing, we don't want you to turn out to be an angry drunkard just because you developed bizarre convictions about what other people do with their spare time. See Fig. 1.

Fig. 1

2) Ask your Grandma Robyn - she was a hippie in art school during the 60's. She can provide you with a myriad of vivid descriptions of various illegal experiences. Hopefully, this will weird you out enough that drugs don't become an issue.

3) If your grades slip and/or you start acting like an ass, I will ship you off to work in the poppy fields of Afghanistan. Britney Spears has sufficiently demonstrated that Hotel Rehab just doesn't work.

On Puberty*

Blech. Man, you are awkward to look at.

Basically, you used to look like this:


Now you look like this:


Eventually, you will look like this:


Since your father won't let me send you off to boarding school until your pimples clear (although I said it will be like Hogwarts), take your gangly limbs to your room and read this book:


What's that you say? You're a boy and don't have your period? Well, go away and read it anyway. We don't allow chauvinism in this family.

*I may need to edit this entry before you learn to read.

On Tattoos

If you are planning on getting a tattoo and you are still financially dependent on us, I expect you to affix the particular design on the particular body part in some temporary manner (Sharpie or henna - I don't care) for at least six months prior to going to a reputable tattoo artist. This is to ensure that you won't immediately regret your decision or die from tetanus. How you may feel about your decision later in life, I can't say. All I know is that I'm not paying for you to laser off "Hooray for Creationism" from your bottom two years later.

Anecdotal evidence:
My friend from high school had an older sister who got a huge female symbol tattooed on her forearm. She later had difficulties in job interviews because she was unable to cover the tattoo completely. After unsuccessfully spending tens of thousands of dollars on laser removal, she finally moved to Hawaii because no one there cared.

So, the moral of this story is: if you love your grandparents, don't tattoo your face.

True tales of occupational horror

When I was a little girl in South Korea, the generic threat to "If you don't do your homework..." was that one would grow up to be the garbage man.  Of course, now I understand that sanitation workers can be paid the upper limit of their salary range, plus government benefits.  Instead, I will regale you with real scary stories of what happened to people we know.

Case #1: This prematurely-aged lady spent her youth in a rock band and not going to school.  The highlight of this career was to open for Sonic Youth, which, I admit, is pretty cool.  But the lack of academic pursuit drove her to become a heroin addict, and now she works at our local Trader Joe's.*

*Don't get me wrong.  Trader Joe's is my favorite place to buy groceries.  But our friend, who was once this lady's roommate, told us that she once ran out into the street, completely naked, and tried to kill her boyfriend with a kitchen knife...  BOO!

Case #2:  A promising young man once received a full college scholarship thanks to his talent at swimming.  But then!  "Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 2" came out for the Playstation (this is a video game) and the fellow dropped out of college.  Having nowhere to go, he was then conned by a job offer into becoming a mortician (he didn't realize that it was an apprenticeship).  Not long afterwards, the man was fired when the funeral home was bought out by a national corporation.  He now works at a cafe with the friend from the footnote to Case #1, who he detests.

Case #3:  There is this fellow who went to join the army instead of going to college.  He was then discharged and became a nighttime taxi driver at the age of 26.  Instead of trying to get his degree, he went to porn theaters and became obssessed with an underage prostitute...  Uh, I must be thinking of something else.

Case #4: This is more of a tale of general neglect than just homework.  Your uncle Ben once left your grandparents' nice Audi on some street in Boston for several months without ever checking up on the car.  When he finally remembered, he searched high and low for the Audi.  At last, he learned that the car was impounded and then crunched into a small, metal square.  To add insult to injury, your grandparents were billed for the car demolition.  And this is why you have a crappy car now.  When you have a lot of money from studying hard, you can buy your own Audi.