Wat yer ma and pa done

Two days ago, we celebrated our first wedding anniversary:

me: hey

i want a digital frame

1:55 PM Jonathan: hi

me: i want a digital frame

for anniversary

Jonathan: yea!

me: and then i put in pictures

for anniversary

1:56 PM Jonathan: yea!

ok I will order one

Jonathan: I was grasping at straws to figure something suitable

but I like that idea

me: it's for both of us ok?

me: it will be all symbolic and shit

Jonathan: ok

sounds good!

I will research and give you a few choices

On Weight

Hello Successfully Fertilized Eggs,
You may find in your mid- to late-twenties that you are steadily gaining weight despite no noticeable increase in chili fries intake. This is probably due to the fact that you are drinking lots of beer. If you don't believe me, look upon your vegan friends of the same age. Are they rotund in the midsection even though all they eat are sprouts? This is also because they are drinking lots of beer (or they caught one of those belly-ballooning diseases while in rural India with the Peace Corps).

If you find yourself in this predicament, be selective with your beer. Drink stouts and dark microbrews. They will have greater alcohol content and will make you feel full enough to pass on the late night cheeseburger. An efficient beer is a good beer.

A Sign

A lot of people around us are having babies left and right. And my reaction is: "Man, that sucks." This tells me that I'm not ready for you yet.

Things to look forward to

I was just looking at this other blog, and I thought of you guys:









I suppose you can claim that all of the bad parenting to come was premeditated.

Relationship Advice #1

Dear Outcome-of-the-Fastest-Strongest-Sperm ,
Here is a little sub-series of advice for you when you are grown up, out of our house, and engaging in a romantic relationship out of our sight.

Tell your partner what you want.
No one is telepathic, but if your partner is telepathic then they can use a reminder.
Case in point:

4:09 PM
me: [jewelry link] what do you think?
Jonathan: kinda nice...
me: you don't want to buy for me?
Jonathan: heh
too feminine
me: but it's for me
why don't you like necklace
Jonathan: I like it... not great though... very ornate
me: SO YOU WON'T BUY FOR ME
Jonathan: do yooooooo like it?
me: YES
Jonathan: hahahaha
really?
ok
me: YES
HULK WIFE WANT NECKLACE
Jonathan: hahahaha

How Cranky People Are Made

Hi Kiddo,
One of the more frequent things I used to say to your father was, "Well, I didn't pick you for your genes." Meaning, I had forgone my Darwinian instinct to select a mate for reproductive purposes when I started dating your father. Now I'm mildly confronted with the fact that I just may make a sprog with your asthmatic, bum-kneed, bad-backed, lame-thumbed father. Together we will create a near-sighted, short-tempered, anti-social, allergic, asthmatic kid with bad joints - that which is you.
Sorry about that.

On Being Flexible

Hey kiddo(s),

Last week, I was laid off from a cushy job that I quite enjoyed. Here are some other things that were never expected to happen, but happened anyway:

• I never thought I would get married. I always envisioned my future self as a single, cosmopolitan girl living in some city apartment with a cat. Now I have two cats, three dogs, a husband, and live in the suburbs with a big yard.

• Grandpa Sheldon always said he wanted one kid and one dog. Instead, he got four kids (none of whom enjoy football* golf or went to a state college) and a menagerie. The current state of the latter being: three huskies, a little yappy dog, a cranky macaw, a baby cockatiel, and a teenage daughter. (I kid, I kid... the cockatiel is no longer a baby.)

• As you know by now, your philosophy major of a father revels in grey areas and had to think really hard about this topic. His contribution is as follows:

"Well, I never thought I would like broccoli, but now I love it. No, really! I really hated broccoli as a kid. I think I changed my mind because there is a lot of broccoli rab in Philadelphia junk food. There was this delicious cheesesteak place..." (No doubt you've rolled your eyes and tuned him out by now) "...and that is how I came to love broccoli today."

So there you have it. Shit happens; however, one can be flexible and still maintain one's integrity.

*Uncle Mike says he quite enjoys football and would still be playing if not for his bad knee.